Here you teach by example more than by words. The Savior drew sinners close without excusing the sin. He did not condemn, and He did call them to change. The General Handbook makes the woman taken in adultery your pattern (32.3)¹. How you react in the first minute decides whether they come back to you next time or hide.

The Church’s own guidance for parents says the same: “If you discover that your child has been involved with pornography, it’s essential to respond with love.” It quotes Sister Joy D. Jones: “love must be both at the forefront and the foundation of all our efforts” (Help for Parents, “Overview for Parents”).

Avoid metaphors that suggest lost worth, like chewed gum or a passed-around cupcake. The Church warns that these “often promote fear of sexuality or feelings of low or irreparable self-worth” (Help for Parents, “How do I talk to my child about healthy sexuality?”). The metaphors in this guide describe a process, not a person’s value.

The habit is not the agenda; the Savior is. In every conversation that follows, keep the Savior at the center, not the sin. When every visit opens with “How have you been doing with it?”, the habit becomes the center of the relationship and the first thing they think of when they see us. That is the opposite of what we want.

Address the habit briefly when you need to, then set it down and spend the time on Him: who they are, what they are learning, where they have felt the Spirit, and whom they are serving. Let them bring it up when they need to. They will, if they know we are safe.

• John 8:10–11 “Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more”
• Luke 15:20 “when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran”
• 3 Nephi 18:32

Remind them who they are. They are a son or daughter of God, and nothing they have done changes that. Sin is something they did; it is never who they are.

Help them be honest (“I’m struggling with pornography”) without ever taking it on as a name (“I’m an addict”). Addiction does exist, but as President Oaks taught⁵, even regular, habitual use does not rise to that word. A youth who believes he is an addict may believe he has lost his agency, and with it his hope.

• Psalm 82:6 “all of you are children of the most High”
• Romans 8:16–17 heirs of God, joint-heirs with Christ
• Moses 1:39
• D&C 76:24

Teach them the difference between guilt and shame.

Help them see the adversary’s pattern, unchanged since Eden:

1. He tempts us to sin.
2. He tempts us to hate ourselves because we sinned.
3. He tempts us to hide from God.

He does this because he wants to prolong our suffering. After the sin he hands out new names like trash, disgusting, and hopeless. Scripture calls him “the accuser of our brethren” (Revelation 12:10).

Teach them that the moment they fall is the moment to go to their Father, not away from Him. Most repentance is daily, between them and the Lord; serious sins also come to the bishop (Handbook 32.0, 32.4.1)¹.

• 2 Corinthians 7:10 “godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation … but the sorrow of the world worketh death”
• Alma 34:31 “immediately shall the great plan of redemption be brought about unto you”
• Genesis 2:25 before the Fall, they “were not ashamed”

What we focus on, we get. A youth who makes stopping the habit the center of his life keeps the habit at the center of his life. Help them turn their focus to Jesus Christ and to becoming like Him. His grace is power to change, not only pardon. Effort spent only on “trying not to” keeps the habit in mind; attention fixed on the Savior crowds it out.

• Matthew 6:22 and D&C 88:67 an eye single to God’s glory fills the whole body with light
• Moses 1:39 His glory is their eternal life
• Ether 12:12 without faith God can do no miracle
• Moroni 4:3 and 5:2 the sacrament covenant to always remember Him, which never asks them to rehearse their sins
• Ether 12:27 weak things become strong

Picture a twenty-minute visit. Spend the first few minutes on their life, most of the time on the Savior, and a minute or less on the plan, if any.

• Open with their life. “What’s been good this week? How did the game go?”
• Turn to Him. “Where did you feel close to the Savior this week?” or “What did you read that stuck with you?”
• Stay there. Share a scripture, a story, or your testimony, and invite them to serve someone this week.
• Touch the plan only if needed. “Is your plan still working, or do we need to change anything?” Then move on.
• End with hope. Close with an invitation that points to Him, not to the habit.

Teach them that being repentant means having a broken heart and a contrite spirit. It does not mean being free from sin. A broken heart is a will that has stopped resisting. “Contrite” comes from the Hebrew for crushed, the same root Isaiah uses of the Savior (Isaiah 53:5).

The Lord does not say “you do A, then I do B.” He says, in effect, “as you do A, I do B.” His grace works alongside a surrendered heart while the change is still underway.

That same offering is what qualifies them for the sacrament, not a sinless week. Coming to the sacrament table without a broken heart and a contrite spirit is like an Israelite coming to the Passover without a lamb. The Lord commanded that “none shall appear before me empty” (Exodus 23:15; Deuteronomy 16:16). The offering is what we bring, and it is the offering, not our perfection, that the Lord asks for.

When the Savior warned against partaking unworthily (3 Nephi 18:28–29), He was not saying that anyone who has sinned recently is damned for taking it. He was saying that partaking without a worthy offering can do them no good, and if it does them no good, they are not changing.

Partaking unworthily means coming without a broken heart and a contrite spirit, not coming after a recent mistake. If the sacrament were only for the sinless, no one could take it. Taking it unworthily describes the unrepentant, not the imperfect.

• 3 Nephi 9:19–20 the Savior replaces animal sacrifice with “a broken heart and a contrite spirit”
• D&C 59:8–9 that same offering tied to the sacrament on His holy day
• 3 Nephi 18:28–32 keep the unworthy from partaking, yet keep ministering to them
• 2 Nephi 2:7

The Lord expects us to flee temptation and to guard the places where we are weak. Teach them that even after full repentance, an old appetite can remain as a weak spot the adversary will aim for, and that wise people build walls there in advance. Make the plan once, then put it down and return their focus to the Savior (conversation 3).

• Genesis 39:12 Joseph “left his garment in her hand, and fled”
• 2 Timothy 2:22 “Flee also youthful lusts”
• Alma 48:7–9 and 50:1–6 Captain Moroni fortifies his weakest cities

When a habit leaves, it leaves an empty space, and an empty space does not stay empty. Teach them to fill it with light:

• Prayer
• Scripture
• Service
• Good friends
• Meaningful work
• The companionship of the Spirit

Service especially weakens temptation, because it turns their attention outward. As leaders and parents, we have a unique opportunity here, and it is okay to invite them to do hard things. The goal is not just to get them to stop a bad habit; it is to replace it with a good one. That is the whole point of the Savior’s parable of the empty house.

The most powerful good habit there is is daily personal worship: personal scripture study and meaningful, heartfelt prayer, every day. Listening to general conference talks while driving or exercising also brings the Spirit powerfully into their lives.

Be honest with them that this is hard. We are asking them to replace something that feels physically good with something that feels spiritually good: approaching the Savior and their Father in Heaven. There is pleasure in this world, and there is nothing wrong with pleasure, but it can never and should never replace joy. Unrighteous pleasure only brings misery.

• D&C 121:45 “let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly”
• Philippians 4:8 think on whatever is true, honest, pure, and lovely
• Mosiah 2:17 serving others is serving God
• Galatians 5:16 “Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh”

Teach them before it happens: falling again after sincere repentance does not erase their repentance. The Lord forgives “as often as” His people repent, and the condition is real intent, not a perfect record.

D&C 82:7 warns that “the former sins return” to one who sins again. Help them see how the two fit: the promise is for the one who keeps sincerely turning back, while the warning describes one who returns to sin deliberately and stops turning. The line between them is real intent, not the number of falls.

• Mosiah 26:30 “as often as my people repent will I forgive them”
• Moroni 6:8 “as oft as they repented and sought forgiveness, with real intent, they were forgiven”
• D&C 82:7
• Matthew 18:21–22 seventy times seven
• Proverbs 24:16 “a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again”

Secrecy keeps a habit alive; light weakens it. As the Church’s materials say, “Pornography use flourishes in secrecy and isolation” (Help for Me, Principle 3). Teach them that the Lord works through people, and that asking for help is part of repentance, not a failure of it. Their parents, their bishop, a trusted friend, and, if the behavior has become truly compulsive, a professional counselor can all be part of His help.

• Mosiah 18:8–9 bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light
• Galatians 6:2
• James 5:16 “Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed”

Teach them that the Lord does more than forgive. Over time He changes the heart until the old desire loses its pull. Forgiveness and healing usually come gradually, by degrees, as they keep turning toward Him. No one is beyond His reach, including them.

Part of the promise is what they are keeping themselves for: a joyful, holy marriage, where these same feelings will bind them to someone they love and to God. Chastity is not just something they avoid; it is something they are moving toward.

• Mosiah 5:2 “we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually”
• Isaiah 1:18 “though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow”
• D&C 58:42 “I, the Lord, remember them no more”
• Ezekiel 36:26 a new heart and a new spirit